What Not To Say To Someone With Complex Ptsd

Im No Expert But I Think You Should

Nobody, regardless of the problems they are dealing with, wants to hear unsolicited advice. Theres a good chance that someone whos going through a rough patch might have already tried what youre about to suggest.

For people with PTSD, an empathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on is significantly more valuable than any piece of expert advice you might have picked off the Internet. Just stop at Im no expert because youre definitely not. All you need to be is a person who can listen and understand.

Support For People Taking Care Of Veterans

If the person you’re caring for is a military veteran, read PTSD in Military Veterans. To find financial and caregiving support:

• In the U.S., visit VA Caregiver Support to explore your options, or call Coaching into Care at 823-7458.
• For families of military veterans in other countries, see the Get more help section below for online resources.

A Guide to VA Mental Health Services for Veterans & Families Including programs and resources for PTSD.

Help for family members of veterans in other countries

Helpline In the UK, family members or carers worried about the mental health of a veteran can call .

Help for Families In Canada, veterans family members can contact a local Family Peer Support Coordinator.

Veterans’ Families In Australia, family members can find resources or call 1800 011 046.

What to do in a crisis situation

If you believe your loved one is at an immediate risk for suicide, do NOT leave the person alone. In the U.S., dial 911 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

In other countries, call your countrys emergency services number or visit IASP to find a suicide prevention helpline.

Dealing With Ptsd: What Not To Say To Someone With Ptsd

Things not to say to PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder sufferers: This is a list based on my personal experience in dealing with PTSD. I hope it helps you care for your dear one.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a diagnostic label given to those who have been through a traumatic event and have residual emotional distress and anxiety directly related to such event. Its a widespread disorder that can create depression, problems in interpersonal relationships, health issues, and overall difficulty in personal functioning.

Trauma survivors also experience nightmares of the event, flashbacks, and other ways of psychologically reliving the experience. As such, they might be on high alert a lot of the time. Its all too common for someone who has PTSD to feel anger, sadness, grief, guilt, shame, loss of control, and fear. This is a normal reaction to trauma.

Due to these emotions, one might try to hide their struggles, so when they do open up about their experiences, its imperative to provide a supportive response. When another person validates our thoughts, feelings, and experiences, it gives a powerful positive shift on the psychological level.

How we respond to someone who opens up about their experience can either create space for healing, or it can do more damage. Based on my experience with clients, Im suggesting a few things here not to say to someone living with PTSD.

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What To Expect When Dating Someone With Ptsd

Research shows us that half of all people will endure at least one traumatic experience during their life, and an estimated 8% of them will end up with post-traumatic stress disorder. There are differing types of PTSD and PTSD affects each person uniquely. If youre dating someone with trauma, you can expect to potentially witness one or more of the following symptoms of PTSD.

You Have Ptsd You Must Be A Veteran

According to the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs National Center for PTSD, PTSD is relatively common among veterans. About 12% of Gulf War veterans and 15% of Vietnam veterans have PTSD, compared to about 8% of the general population. The data from Vietnam veterans diagnosed with PTSD is from the 1980s when clinicians just began diagnosing it. As we have learned more about PTSD, it is estimated that closer to 30% of Vietnam veterans have experienced it.

However, as the stats show, not everyone who has served in the military has PTSD. So don’t assume someone has PTSD just because they fought in a war. “This assumption is actually creating more stigma,” said Blair. Also, keep in mind that veterans can come home with physical scars and other psychological consequences, not just PTSD, Blair said.

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Do Children React Differently Than Adults

Children and teens can have extreme reactions to trauma, but some of their symptoms may not be the same as adults. Symptoms sometimes seen in very young children , these symptoms can include:

• Wetting the bed after having learned to use the toilet
• Forgetting how to or being unable to talk
• Acting out the scary event during playtime
• Being unusually clingy with a parent or other adult

Older children and teens are more likely to show symptoms similar to those seen in adults. They may also develop disruptive, disrespectful, or destructive behaviors. Older children and teens may feel guilty for not preventing injury or deaths. They may also have thoughts of revenge.

Grief Disorders And Ptsd

It may be that after a while the responses being displayed by someone suddenly bereaved are normal grief responses common following any kind of death including expected deaths, and which dont require any sort of specialist care to aid recovery.

For example, feelings of sadness and grief, yearning for the person who died, and crying.

However, it is not uncommon, or unusual, to suffer more than this following a sudden death.

The guidance on this page provides information on disorders that can commonly follow a sudden bereavement, and appropriate care.

This page is quite long. However, it is meant for general guidance only and expert mental health professionals should always be used to assess anyone who might, or might not, have a mental health disorder.

To help a bereaved person access an assessment of their needs, talk to a Sudden case worker.

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Consider Attending A Therapy Session With Us To Better Understand What Were Going Through

I think its extremely important to go with your loved one to a therapy session so the mental health professional can walk you through your loved ones PTSD. My now-husband was with me during one of my worst flashbacks. Despite me having explained thoroughly my PTSD symptoms to him, along with what tends to trigger me, he argued with me rather than recognizing I was having a flashback. His resistance made the flashback and the anxiety that followed significantly worse and my symptoms lasted more than a week afterward.

Thankfully, he listened to me when my therapist suggested he come with me to my next session. The therapist was able to articulate what I couldnt in a way my husband could understand. It was really helpful for both of us and since then my husband has been supportive, loving and understanding whenever Ive felt symptoms. Pitman

Plan Ahead For Difficult Times

When your friend or relative is feeling well, it can be helpful to discuss with them how you can help if they become unwell or if a crisis happens. You could:

• encourage them to write a
• discuss which symptoms you can look out for
• get to know their triggers and plan how to cope with them.

This can help them to avoid crises or manage them differently in future where possible. When having these conversations, make sure you also think about how much you can cope with and try to only offer support that you feel able to give. It is important to look after yourself too.

For more information see our pages on planning for a crisis, helping someone else seek help and advocacy.

Tips on helping someone who is experiencing a flashback

Flashbacks are vivid experiences in which someone relives aspects of a traumatic event. It can be hard to know how to help during a flashback, but you don’t need special training to support someone who is having one. It could help if you:

• try to stay calm
• gently tell them that they are having a flashback
• avoid making any sudden movements
• encourage them to breathe slowly and deeply
• encourage them to describe their surroundings.

See our sections on and for more information.

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Are You A War Veteran

Given that a significant proportion of people who struggle with PTSD are soldiers and war veterans, we can understand why this stereotype has taken root.

But PTSD can result from a wide range of traumatic events. From emotional and sexual abuse, domestic violence, and severe illness to car accidents, the death of a loved one, and natural disasters, any event that shakes you to the core can trigger the onset of PTSD. The best thing you can do is ask before making any assumptions that could put the other person in an awkward position.

Ptsd Is A Very Real Illness

PTSD is a debilitating anxiety disorder that occurs after a traumatic event, like war combat. Experts estimate 8 million adults have PTSD to varying degrees each year in the United States. Like depression or other mental and behavioral issues, its not something that a person can snap out of.

Symptoms arise anywhere from three months to years after the triggering event. In order to be characterized as PTSD, the person must exhibit these traits:

• At least one re-experiencing symptom . D. installed security cameras in his home to monitor threats and had terrible nightmares.
• At least one avoidance symptom. D. didnt like crowds and would avoid activities that included a lot of people.
• At least two arousal and reactivity symptoms. D. had a very short fuse and would get frustrated easily when he wasnt understood.
• At least two cognition and mood symptoms, which includes negative self-esteem, guilt, or blame. D. would often say to me, Why do you love me? I dont see what you see.

D. once described his PTSD to me like a constant waiting game for ghosts to jump from around the corner. It was a reminder that bad things happened, and that that feeling might never stop. Loud noises made it worse, like thunder, fireworks, or truck backfire.

There was a time we sat outside watching fireworks, and he held my hand until my knuckles turned white, telling me the only way he could sit through them was to have me next to him.

He also had explosive outbursts of rage, which left me in tears.

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Living With Someone Who Has Ptsd

When a partner, friend, or family member has post-traumatic stress disorder it affects you, too. PTSD isnt easy to live with and it can take a heavy toll on relationships and family life. You may be hurt by your loved ones distance and moodiness or struggling to understand their behaviorwhy they are less affectionate and more volatile. You may feel like youre walking on eggshells or living with a stranger. You may also have to take on a bigger share of household tasks and deal with the frustration of a loved one who wont open up. The symptoms of PTSD can even lead to job loss, substance abuse, and other problems that affect the whole family.

Its hard not to take the symptoms of PTSD personally, but its important to remember that a person with PTSD may not always have control over their behavior. Your loved ones nervous system is stuck in a state of constant alert, making them continually feel vulnerable and unsafe, or having to relive the traumatic experience over and over. This can lead to anger, irritability, depression, mistrust, and other PTSD symptoms that your loved one cant simply choose to turn off.

With the right support from you and other family and friends, though, your loved ones nervous system can become unstuck. With these tips, you can help them to finally move on from the traumatic event and enable your life together to return to normal.

Therapist & Case Manager

Courtney is currently a therapist and case manager for SoCal Mental Health. She obtained her Masters Degree in Social Work at the California State University of Fullerton in 2020 and is a Registered Associate Clinical Social Worker. Courtney made the decision at the young age of 16 to become a Clinical Social Worker in mental health. This decision stemmed from her personal experiences with family members suffering from mental health issues. Those experiences solidified her passion to pursue a career which also included her goals of lessening the stigma of mental illnesses and working towards increased public awareness. Courtney has worked in the mental health field for the past four years.

Her concentration has been working with mental health and dual diagnosis clients in both residential and hospital environments. Courtney is passionate about assisting primary mental health clients in a residential treatment setting providing easily attainable crisis intervention. Her continuing desire is to minimize the necessity of inpatient psychiatric hospitalizations as well as establishing long-term recovery and psychiatric stabilization.

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You Have Ptsd You Must Be A Veteran

PTSD is relatively common among veterans. About 12% of Gulf War vets and 15% of Vietnam vets have PTSD, compared to about 8% of the general population, according to the National Center for PTSD.

As the stats show, not everyone who serves has the disorder. Dont assume that someone has PTSD just because they fought in a war. This assumption is actually creating more stigma, Blair says. Keep in mind that veterans can come home with physical scars and other psychological consequences, not just PTSD, she says.

But not everyone with PTSD has experienced military conflict. The National Center for PTSD estimates that around 30% of all rape victims develop PTSD at some point in their lives. People can also develop PTSD after mass shootings, natural disasters, armed robbery or mugging, road accidents, terrorism, a diagnosis of a potentially fatal condition, the unexpected death of a loved one.

Grover finds assumptions that she is a veteran easier to deal with than many other remarks. Its just ignorance, she says, on the part of people who dont realize PTSD occurs among survivors of many kinds of traumatic experiences.

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Give Us Permission To Be Imperfect

For a lot of us with complex trauma, we struggle with perfectionism. Pete Walker calls this the inner critic, which so many survivors grapple with in recovery.

For some of us, perfectionism was a coping mechanism run amok, in which we desperately tried to better ourselves to earn the love or attachment that we lacked by correcting our supposed shortcomings .

This inner critic can also be the voice we internalized, like when youre a bad child suddenly becomes Im a bad child. The external criticisms or neglect we endured suddenly became the mantras we took on as we were further and further traumatized.

Which is to say, a lot of survivors who are dealing with complex trauma really struggle with being imperfect.

For me personally, I believed for a long time that if people truly got to know me, they wouldnt be able to love me. So I spent a good amount of time trying to make myself better, with the hopes that I would someday be good enough for the people in my life.

I think this is why its powerful when our loved ones give us permission to be imperfect. Some examples:

• You dont have to be perfect for me or for anyone else. Im going to be in your corner no matter what.
• Its true that you make mistakes. But you always work hard to make things right, and thats what matters.
• In my eyes, youre already lovable and youre already worthy.
• Trust me. If somethings wrong, Im going to tell you, and I promise well work through it.

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Taking Care Of Yourself While Supporting Someone With Cptsd

• Take good care of yourself

• Rest, relax, sleep, eat well, drink water, exercise, spend time with other friends/family